Christine posted an amusing, something (not sure it was a rant), about 10 things a man should know about women. Seeing as it seems Chris was too scared to post a reply, I thought I’d grab the mantle, and do it myself.
10. Men enjoy farting and burping. You should too.
You do fart. You do shit. It does not smell of roses. Be proud of your natural bodily function. Just because men often make more of a show of our natural ability, does not make us any moreorless disgusting than you women (who use half a roll of toilet paper on each visit to the bathroom, and usually leave most of it lying about). Gain your man’s respect by exaggerating your flatulence. The louder the better.
9. The toilet is a special place.
Everyone has to use them, but men seem to have a natural affinity with the bog. Whether it’s a quick #1, or a carefully crafted, time-consuming #2, the toilet is a chance to get a little alone time, to sit and contemplate, or simply perv over the nudey pictures in the latest Loaded for 5 minutes. Yes, we may leave the toilet seat up. Yes, we may pee with the door open for all and sundry to listen to. We’re always getting told we should be in touch with our feminine side; this is merely us maintaining touch with our neanderthal side. You can’t have it both ways.
8. The pub is not just a place to get shitfaced.
The pub is more than a dingy, smelly room that sells beer. If that’s all we wanted, we’d sit in the lounge and talk bollocks with our mates. Know the place of the pub in a man’s life. Try to mould your schedule around his need to visit the pub. Know when he wants to go to the pub on his own. Know when he wants to take you along as a trophy. If you’re lucky enough to go with him, sit quietly in the corner, and smile now and then. Only speak if spoken to directly. Be charming, but don’t steal focus. Drink beer, but not in pints. (drink 12 halves if you want, just not out of pint glasses). Look stunning, because he’ll enjoy showing you off to the other lads as much as you do. If he goes on his own, feel free to come up an hour later to let him know his dinner is ready, you’ll look like to doting wife. But don’t nag him. If he does go to the pub on his own – it is not about you, he does not need time away from you, he still loves you. All he wants is a pint in the pub with his mates. When he gets home, don’t moan that he stinks of stale fags and booze. Give him a smile and a quick cuddle and tell him an amusing anecdote about why the asparagus is a bit chewy.
7. Men do not have hidden/other/higher levels.
If a man tells you something, that’s what he means. “I don’t know” means “I don’t know”. “Yes” means “Yes”. “Your ex-boyfriend is a prick” means the guy is a total chopper. We do not have the ability to say one thing and mean something else (unlike women: “Whatever you want to is fine” – “if we end up watching the bloody cricket again, you’ll be single”).
6. Learn how to make a decision.
If he asks “What do you want to do?” do not say “I don’t mind” when really what you mean is “I really want to go to Top Shop to see if they still have that miniskirt on sale”. If that’s what you want to do, say so. He might want to go with you. He might reward your honesty by buying it for you. He might say he’ll meet you in the pub 2 hours later. Life’s a gamble. Better that than ending up at the speedway complaining that your heels are getting stuck in the mud.
5. We actually don’t care about much.
You know what you want to do. We don’t. When you say “I don’t mind what we do” (see above) that means “I know exactly what *I* want to do, and if you don’t instinctively know that, then we have problems”. We when we say “I don’t mind” – that actually sodding means “I really don’t care what we do”. Men are simple creatures. We derive pleasure from simple things. If you want to do something, say it. Don’t sit there and wait for us to try and come up with something new and original again and then spend all afternoon in a sulk because you don’t want to do it. And don’t try and get out of making decisions by kissing/hugging/tickling us. We see right through it. If you absolutely have to get out of it, it will have to be a blowjob.
4. Men like blowjobs.
There’s no such thing as a crap shag. BUT men aren’t sex-crazed animals with an indomitable desire to have sex all the time. Yes, we may think about it a lot. Yes, we will look at another woman’s boobs. Yes, there’s never a bad time to watch some porn. But that doesn’t mean we’re always after it. A bloke though will never turn down a blowjob. Use this to your advantage. Even at the most inopportune moment. His team are about to win whatever cup in whatever sport – if you’re down on your knees doing the bob, you’ve just made his fucking day.
3. Men are men are men.
Thanks to bloody feminism, blokes now spend a lot of their time worrying if they’re being sensitive, or caring, or non-sexist enough. So when we naturally display some carnal inhibition, be proud of it. When we snigger or guffaw uncontrollably at a bad joke, just smile. When we drink a 6-pack and belch, just laugh along. When we catch some other fella looking at your arse, support us in our need to knock him upside the head. You can disapprove if you want. Just don’t tell us. You can tut, and even shake your head, disgustedly. But only if you do it with a smile on your face. It must be with an ironic glare. Do it with love on your face and you’ll get him to do whatever you want. Do it in such a way as if to say “I don’t support you”, and you’ll only get it back 10 times worse. And when your boyfriend does defend your dignity, show your gratitude (hint: #4).
2. If we’re no good, tell us.
Men like to think they’re great lovers. Unless you tell us what we’re doing wrong, we’re not going to know any different. If you want it lower/harder/slower, then tell us. Don’t lie there waiting for us to figure it out. If we reckon we’ve found your spot, but we’re actually massaging your belly button, gently take our hand and put it in the right position. Show us what you want. And if what we’re doing is quim-teasingly right, let us know. Groans/screams/chants (“Oh my god you’re so big”) work well. Contrary to popular belief (a female belief, that is) we’re not mind-readers. We only do what we know. We’re eager to learn, though. Respect his enthusiasm to practice, 4, 5 times a day.
1. Don’t nag us to show affection.
Men are stupid, childish creatures. The more we get asked to do something, the less we’re likely to do it. Is it really a nice surprise if you whinge 40 times a day for flowers, and the next day you get flowers? Just because we haven’t told you we love you for 18 seconds, doesn’t mean we’ve all of a sudden stopped. Newsflash: we do think about you, we do miss you, we do look forward to seeing you. But unlike women, we do not let this dominate our everyday lives. When we sit in the pub with our mates, or get in to work, we might release a grunt that indicates how things with the wife are. But that’s probably it. We don’t sit around in changing rooms discussing nail varnish and the inner workings of the relationship. A small gesture now and then has more impact than a gesture all the time. Respect that. If you really need some reassurance, just approach him for a hug. Never ever EVER ask “Do you still love me?”. That’s likely to get you dumped quicker than a wheeliebin recycling plant.
At the age of 30, having been married for five years, I’m inclined to think that I am a more forgiving person than I had given myself credit for. I don’t bat an eyelid (nor make even a small noise) when wet towels are left to dry on the bed, muddy shoes are left lying within a 200-feet radius of the shoe rack, kisses are delivered by a mouth reeking of whisky and fags, clothes make an attractive pattern on the floor, dirty dishes multiply magically in the sink, my behaviour at a party with His friends is criticised from every possible angle, my mother is criticised for putting ‘rebellious’ ideas into my head, He turns over on his side when the baby wakes up at night, my career is dismissed as going nowhere because the bonus isn’t large enough…I’m just so grateful He has allowed me to be a part of His life and thinks well enough of me to let me clean up after Him. I have never even DARED to ask Him for a show of affection, and have always treated His friends like paragons. I’d love to chat with Christine sometime and show her the Way.
Yajnaseni, what u’ve been doing for all those 5 years is the ultimate martyrdom. thanks but no thanks, i’d rather die single. good luck, girl.
Yajnaseni isn’t a martyr… she’s a slave. I like how you capitalzie the “H” on “Him” like you’re referring to God… I think you should start listening to your mother, or maybe a good therapist.
she’s a hoax, this yajnasine girl.