… and shove your eyeballs up your arse” is something I was told last night. 4 big men who I told weren’t coming in the club weren’t too amused at being turned away.
“I’m ASKING you FUCKING nicely, we ain’t gonna cause no bother. Alright? I’m FUCKING asking you FUCKING NICELY, can we come in?”
In my book, asking me nicely does not involve standing in my face, shouting (and spitting) and swearing at me. I don’t think some people are used to shortarses like me giving it all back. They certainly don’t expect to get eyeballed. Amusing really, this bloke, easily 6′1″ and not small, went to shake my hand and did the classic “Ahhh too slow *strokes his sideys*” move (taking his hand away). After admitting that I was giving him the creeps by not backing down.
My job is easy, really. It’s all about confidence and how you project yourself. I know that I’m slightly handicapped by my somewhat less than average stature but it makes no difference (and in fact often works in my favour – a lot of blokes don’t trust a 5′6″ doorman, I’m too much of an unknown quantity). But in the case of last night, had I been indecisive, jumpy, not maintained eye contact, then they would have walked over us. But in a situation where you have to make a hard decision like that (it was ready to kick off at any moment, and there was 4 of them and only 3 of us had it come to it), it’s of paramount importance that you maintain your cool and composure.
The first thing is to not sink to their level. Don’t let them draw you into a argument or slagging match. Don’t let them try and persuade you because you will get every piece of bullshit under the sun. If they call you a cunt, accept it gracefully. Don’t retaliate. (I often agree with them, in a Little Britain stylee “Yeh I know (I’m a cunt)!”.)
The second thing is be confident. Very few people will actually want to go for it with a doorman, regardless of who they are (which is all too easy to forget). Don’t underestimate the position of authority you’re in. When they ask you a question, answer assertively. Let them know you’re in control. Be fair but don’t give them anything. Don’t incriminate yourself. The more talk you do, the more chance you have of dropping yourself in it. The bottom line is they’re not coming in, and that’s that.
They’ll get pissed off, they’ll get violent, they’ll threaten to shoot/stab/kill/fuck up/burn (believe me, I’ve had them all and more) you, but eventually the call of beer will get too strong and they’ll go elsewhere.
Well it made the night a little more interesting anyway.