That’s it.

From now on, I’m keeping all my money/savings in a brown paper bag under my mattress. What is it with banks? You try phoning them, or asking them to arrange something, but anyone would think you were holding them up at gunpoint with some sort of fully loaded semi-automatic weapon.

Example 1:

My branch is in Southampton. I live in Guernsey. I have a cheque which I’d like to pay in, so I go to a local branch here and ask to pay it in. “Sorry, can’t do it, you need to take it to your branch.”

Example 2:

My credit card got declined trying to make a fairly substantial online purchase. Two days later the fraud centre phone me and make me confirm some details. When I say confirm, I mean they might as well have stripped me naked and done a full cavity search, given the extent of the very intimate details I was forced to supply, in addition to having the operator chuckle to herself as she recounted my last few transactions. When I asked her why the purchase got declined, I was told, in a scene reminscent of Little Britain “computer says no”. When I asked what she suggested in order that it didn’t happen again, I was told “use a different credit card”.

Example 3:

With my new job, I felt it was time to upgrade my credit card to a gold card. I phone the card centre number listed on my bank’s website: “You need to go and visit your branch because I can only open new accounts”. I explain I can’t due to it being about 150 miles away, and she suggests I phone them. Which I do. Branch: “Oh right, I see, let me put you through to the card centre and they’ll sort that out. ” [click] Card centre: “Oh yes, I see, you need your branch to confirm with us that it’s OK.” [click] Branch: “Oh, right, yes you’ll need to fill out an application for a brand new card as we can’t upgrade that one.”

to name but a few examples. In desperation, I phone a popular, branchless, electronic, internet-only bank who ought to be able to offer all the services I want. [click] “No we can’t do it because you live in the Channel Islands and you need to live in the UK.”

Morons. If you want to rob me, you know where my cash is.