Would I live in France?

Having just returned from France, I thought I’d take an objective view of whether or not I’d like to live there, based on my experiences in the last week or so…

Please note all thoughts and opinions expressed here are that of me, and not necessarily representative of anyone else, or other. Well, they probably are. Except French people.

1) French people smell

It’s a well known fact that French People smell. They’re always eating onions and never wash.

2) There’s dogshit everywhere

It’s true. Dogs poo literally everywhere. It’s something of a slalom wandering about any French city in a bid to not get any “merde de chien” on your sandals.

3) They drive like absolute lunatics

I suggest staying well away from any motor vehicles. Not only do they drive everywhere about 6 times the speed limit, but the police seem to have absolutely no interest in this. I saw someone speeding, straight past a French copper, who whistled his whistle, glared at the car a bit… and then ignored it. And they can’t park. I lost count the number of cars I saw parked either completely randomly in blatant non-parking zones, or actually on the pavement. Or at really obscure angles. Bizarre.

4) French people are stupid

Look at this photo! They have a cage full of pigeons! Not only can the pigeons just fly out… they’re pigeons for crying out loud! Oh and the odd chicken.

5) French women don’t wear bras

They wander about with their tits flapping about everywhere. It’s a wonder there aren’t more eye injuries you know, especially if they ever try to run anywhere.

6) All they ever eat is bread and cheese

“Monsieur… vouz voulez du pain et fromage?”. No you git, I want a steak and a beer.

7) They speak a weird language

It makes no sense. And they speak at 80 times the speed of normal people making it impossible to follow.

Everything is dead

Nothing grows in France. There’s no water. There are no plants. The grass, which ordinarily is green, is in fact, brown. Or dead. Or soil.

9) Everyone kisses each other

Men kiss other men. Women kiss other women. Everyone is always kissing. What’s wrong with a good old fashioned, traditional British hand shake?

10) French people are lazy

They don’t do anything. Ever. They just sit about. If they’re walking somewhere, it’s only because they’ve just smased their car up (see (3) above) or they’re walking somewhere to sit down. Shops don’t open until after midday and if they ever do any work (like the binmen) it’s in the middle of the bloody night.

So, would I live there?

Well let’s look at this for a second.

1) French people smell

So!? No pressure to take a bath or a shower? You can wander around proudly wafting your own stink, safe in the knowledge that no-one cares because they all smell too.

2) There’s dogshit everywhere

And what’s wrong with that? Dogs have to shit. We’d shit on the ground had we not invented a toilet which only we can use. And if you’re stupid enough to step in it, then that’s your fault. Plus I didn’t see a single cat whilst I was there. No problem here.

3) They drive like absolute lunatics

Great! Everyone knows that the speeding restrictions in the UK are a complete waste of time – what’s the point in having a car that’ll do 150mph if you can’t ever drive it that speed? And parking, well that’s a pain in the arse full stop, so why not just dump your car where you feel like it, and let some other poor bugger worry about it. On we go…

4) French people are stupid

Great! I’ll be running the country, living like a king, soaking myself in beer with scantily clad women in no time.

5) French women don’t wear bras

Good. Not only does it leave nothing to the imagination, but no longer will the man have to fumble around during a night of passion, trying to look smooth has he tries in vain to remove the bra using the one hand trick and then looking like a complete twat as she sits up and says “OH let me do it. We’ll be here all bloody night otherwise”. And did I mention that French women are insanely beautiful? I think, in the UK, we have a ratio of about 10:1. That is, 10 complete munters to one half decent bit of skirt. In France, on the other hand, I would say it is more like it 25:1. That is 25 absolute stunners who make women I dream about look like Lily Savage, to one “minger” who happens in fact to be a bit like that bird out “She’s All That”. I think when God made the world, he was making French women and suddenly thought to himself:

“Ah crap, you know, I really ought to put a couple of shoulder-biters down there, just to even it out a bit”. But he did a piss-poor job because even the ugly women in France are actually pretty nice (well, especially when compared with our shockers. Eek.).

6) All they ever eat is bread and cheese

Did I mention that they have about a squillion different cheeses over there? And it’s really really good cheese. In the UK, you see, we pretty much have one variety: a block of hard yellow sminge that tastes of nothing. Well maybe a bit like chicken. But in France… man alive… they have any cheese you could ever want. It’s great stuff.

7) They speak a weird language

But why is it any weirder than ours? It’s actually quite a beautiful language. And at least they didn’t do what most other people in the world did, that is, copying ours, and then royally fucking it up (bloody Americans) and then blaming it on us.

Everything is dead

Well that’s only because it never ever rains. The only reason we have any green stuff in the UK is because it is always pissing it down. In France, it’s sunny… all the time. And hot too.

9) Everyone kisses each other

Women kissing women! HURRAH! You normally have to pay to see that. Furthermore, you get to kiss beautiful women (see (5) above) without having to ask. In fact, it’s rude if you don’t. And you’d normally have to pay for that too. And men kissing other men? Pff, bloody stuckup Brits always have a problem with their sexuality. It’s always the homophobes who turn out to be the closet cases.

10) French people are lazy

Ah, the “piece de la resistance” as they say. I am a lazy bastard. I love just sitting. I’m doing it right now. And that’s why they invented television. To give you something to do while you’re sitting. And shops don’t open til midday? Who cares, I’m never out of bed before midday, anyway and as for working through the night… oh no, what a complete shocker. I’m either a) too pissed to even notice or b) just sitting… how does a few people picking up the rubbisg interfere with that?

So on the question of would I live in France!?

You’re flinging-flanging right I would!