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You're reading a really old version of matt-thornton's website. For example, if you're looking at the movie reviews... you'll notice that none of them are of recent films. Indeed, I leave them here for posterity's sake, but I doubt very much that they'll get updated anytime soon. So have a giggle.

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Alien vs Predator

the one line review:

a lot of people get dead

the overview

If you're a fan of the Alien films, you'll probably like this, if you're a fan of Predator 2 (not 1), you'll probably like this, but if you're a fan of Predator (1) or someone else, then don't waste your time on this film.

the plot:

Weyland Industries finds a pyramid 2000ft under the ice. They send a team of peeps to go investigate. As they enter the pyramid, it turns out they're in the middle of a bloody big war between, you guessed it the Aliens and the Predators. Reason being, the Predators are old school Gods, who back in the day, built a bunch of these temples, then "grew" a bunch of the Aliens, just so's they had something to hunt, and prove to humans they were great and we should worship them.

Anywho, the peeps who found the pyramid are right smackbang in the middle of another of these hunts, who, it seems, were tricked there by the Predators, so that the little face hugger dudes could attach themselves and grow into Aliens, so the Predators could hunt them.

Woah.

the verdict:

Really, this is a pile of old tosh, and there's no escaping it. There are a number of plus points - the CGI is pretty slick, the feel of the film is suitably sci-fi (has a very Robocop feel to it in most places) and both the Aliens and Predators are at their acid dribbling, death defying best.

But. There's just too much wrong with this film. The first point is that, essentially, the point of the film is to see the Predators and Aliens fight. But you don't get this. For starters, the action sequences are "filmed" so quickly, that it makes you seasick just trying to watch it. It's so dark that you can barely make out what's going on, and although in some places it's OK, there's just not enough of the ultimate fight that you're gonna want to see. The other points surround the several gillion holes in the plot and storyline. I'll go through a couple.

1) Why? What is the fucking point? OK, so the Predators are Gods. But where in hell did they get the Aliens from?

2) We're told that every 100 years one of these hunts exists. But this clearly hasn't happened for a long ass time (given that the pyramid thing is 2000ft under the ice). So what's been going on since? And why now?

3) At the end of the film, a) we see Predator get mashed by the Queen Alien (who incidentally was held prisoner by a bunch of chains). For starters the Queen Alien gets killed by being dragged into the sea. This thing is a fucking Alien from outer space for crying out loud. Being dragged into the sea ain't gonna kill it. b) After the Predator is killed, a bigassmofo of a Predator spaceship declokes. It's been watching the whole time. Why didn't it just blast the shit out of the Alien?

4) The Predator befriends the human who gives them back a weapon. Puhleeeeeze. This is preposterous. I mean, crikey, it protects her, it shows her how to use an Alien head as a shield. No no no no no!

Those represent a small portion of what is wrong with this film. It is such a travesty when compared with Predator 1, and even the original Alien, which were awesome films. This sucks ass.