about
You're reading a really old version of matt-thornton's website. For example, if you're looking at the movie reviews... you'll notice that none of them are of recent films. Indeed, I leave them here for posterity's sake, but I doubt very much that they'll get updated anytime soon. So have a giggle.
You might, if you're lucky, find something recent from Matt at his blog matt's debates. Kernow bys vyken.
Cherry Falls
the one line review:
Eating spaghetti is scarier than this.
the overview
If, like me, you are "familiar" with Friends (the TV show), you may remember from around about series 3, the manager of Central Perk, Terry, wants to hire a professional singer (and get rid of Phoebe). When asked why, the reason he gives, could easily be applied be applied to this film:
"It's not that it's bad, it's that it is SO bad, I feel like poking my finger through my eye, into my brain, and swirling it all around...".
'Nuff said? No, well OK, if I must.
the plot:
Well the plot, actually, is rather tempting. For any red blooded man (like myself) who hasn't, how do I say, "been", with a woman for a while (also sadly like myself), the tagline of "lose your innocence, or lose your life" is promising. There is a killer on the loose in Cherry Falls, who is killing young girls, who all happen to be virgins. So all the young girls arrange a "fuckfest" to deflower themselves! WAHEY!
the verdict:
BUT before you all rush out and buy it, this film is not even vaguely as good as it sounds.
- There are no boobs
- The acting is rubbish
- There are no boobs
- The direction is pitiful
- There are no boobs
- The ending is rubbish
- There are no boobs
- It is NOT scary
- There are no boobs
Does this film have anything going for it? Well, maybe. There are a couple of amusing moments, which almost have your heart skipping. For example, they're in the middle of a secluded forest, running away from the murderer (yawn) when they find a policeman (I know). Hysterically, they explain to the policeman they know who the murderer is, that he's after them blah blah blah etc. Cue policeman's line:
"What? Well I can't just split from my post!"
[thwack] right as an AXE comes down straight through his skull with bone splitting gore. Geddit? That, it has to be said, was pretty funny. It also has some up and coming actors (I mean that really describes this film -- it's one of those "American Pie/Scream" that wasn't films, but in which some of the actors make an impression and get cast in others, such as DJ Qualls, who later appeared in the epic Road Trip). But the most depressing thing about this film? I mean *really* depressing? The lead actor. Michael Biehn, whom you probably remember from The Terminator. It is normal for big actors to either a) go on from such roles and become huge, b) end up doing not a lot and in a desperate bid to be famous accept terrible roles in low budget hack and slash disgraces, or c) live on the fame of their one big shot. Sadly, in this case, he should have gone for (a) and failing that (c). Not (b). Never (b).
So in a nutshell, it's rubbish. If you're looking for a tongue-in-cheek but still vaguely serious slash 'em movie, get Scream. If you're after a cute US teen movie about losing your virginity, get American Pie. If you're looking for teenage pr0n, then I can't help you.
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